Ever wanted to look like a leftover soggy fish-stick with a deliciously creamy crust? Well, you’re in luck!
A woman accused of stealing Nancy Pelosi’s laptop during the Capitol insurrection claims to have seen evidence that Nancy Pelosi was arrested in 1958 – for bank robbery!
The PR team behind the US Democratic Party leader are now begging (bribing) the media to bury these revelations.
However they haven’t spoken to NMi…. which is about to prove a bit of a gaff.
So we here go…..
Nancy Pelosi Arrested For Bank Robbery
Back in 1958 Nancy Pelosi was the reigning Miss Lube Rack princess. There she is in the above picture posing like the menopausal commie zombie she was later to become.
Nancy’s friends (male) had told her that in order to retain the title of Miss Lube Rack her skin needed covering with a sperm derived facial cream. It should be applied on a daily basis.
These male friends (sperm donors) helped her as much as they could (see above) but Fancy Nancy needed to be independent of them. Where could she find such a product for herself? There were no Super-drug stores back in 1958.
Even if she could find such a product, how on Earth could she pay for it? After all being the Princess of Lube was an unpaid position.
Nancy knew she had a problem. After all her face wouldn’t last forever.
Nancy soon realised that women valued the product so highly they kept it in specially equipped bank vaults.
It was then that Nancy had an idea. She decided to rob a Sperm Bank!
Unfortunately her devious plan went horribly wrong because Nancy Pelosi was arrested at LAX airport. She was caught by airport security as she tried to smuggle a balloon full of stolen seamen in her panties.
However Nancy was not made to dress up as a sad little jailbird. That’s because after pleading guilty for being a failed sperm mule the trial judge ordered her into an 18-month sperm deferment program.
The judge told her in court that once she completed the program, he’d throw out her plea and the entire incident would disappear from her record.
Nancy told the court,
“I want to thank the Los Angeles Police Department and the Airport Police for stopping me — they saved my life. And party at my house! I have the party favours, you bring the hooch!”
(Note from NMi: Sources have told NMi that the plea bargain deal was agreed in the privacy of the trial Judge’s chambers.)
Nancy was then sent for treatment at a spermicide rehab facility in Louisiana.
Pelosi Spits Not Swallows
With the help of the doctors Nancy found ways to deal with her health problems including her compulsive lying dis-order, semen addition and stick-it-up-my-ass syndrome.
Obviously, Nancy hasn’t found the total cure for these conditions yet.
Anyway, here’s what Nancy’s doctors recommended:
Use herbs like valerian and chamomile. (Note from NMi: Does weed count?)
Eliminate all white foods including flour and sugar. (Note from NMi: Does that include coke?)
Spit don’t swallow (Note from NMi: This bitch is stupid!)
So what have we learned from Nancy’s experience?
For a night of debauchery delight all you have to do is apply a shit load of sperm to your face using your tongue.
If people then ask – how are you supposed to do that? – just tell them that you’re a post-stroke commie zombie.
Author: Michael W