Just when you thought it couldn’t get any worse the Metropolitan police commissioner, Cressida (is a) Dick has scored another shameful personal best.

Can you guess what it is?

Has she been caught smoking crack or pushing an old woman down some stairs?

Has she been heard talking about Priti Patel’s perfect pussy?

What about a not-right-in-head rant about why she uses ‘Bumaclot’ to wipe her asshole?

(Bumaclot? The jokes write themselves).

No. It’s none of the above.

So let’s see what it is.

Using the Theory of Probability, combined with the Dick Law of Unstable, we can predict what Commander Dick has done.


[Dick + (weed + adderall) x alcohol] – (anti-psychotics) = I ate a tampon.

All you have to do is solve the value of Dick.


So, assuming that the value of Dick is zero, the algorithmic nightmare now answers the question, ‘What is Dick’s Shameful Personal Best’ as follows:

Drone Dicks

Cressida Dick has joined Greta Thunberg in calling for drone strikes on London’s M25 motorway. They both want motorists driving on the inside lane to be classed as morally corrupt and therefore acting illegally.

They want M25’s inside lane to be re-classified as a cycle lane from which all dicks in cars are banned. Any offenders will Geta Dick Drone up their ass.

She also revealed she that she was once puzzled with questions about her leadership of Britain’s largest police force.

However, she concluded that it doesn’t really matter what people think of her because they’re all going to die – in a drone strike on the M25.

Please Note: Michael’s inspiration for this article came from Alice – who is a musical White Rabbit. (Click below)

Author: Michael W